what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
