The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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