when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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