it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
