Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
