i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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