i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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