so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
