Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
