I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
