dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize