Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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