Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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