i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
