dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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