The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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