i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
