I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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