At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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