Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
