i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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