if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
we're so committed to being not committed
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
