Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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