My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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