Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
