I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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