I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
