My nipple is on Facebook.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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