If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize