I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
