Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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