and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
