can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
