the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I would ride that face into the sunset
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
