Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
