maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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