the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize