We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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