I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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