I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
