The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
