I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
