I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
