I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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