I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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