Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
