I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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