i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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