The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize