She said her name was "party"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
