He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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