just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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