6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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