he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize