6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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